I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
