help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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