He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm like, not good at living.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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