There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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