So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
