guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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