Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
