I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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