Cold hands, warm shart.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
