im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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