And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
