she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
