it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
