I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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