I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
