Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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