I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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