You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Vodka?
Forever.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
