you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
