My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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