If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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