between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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