i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
