when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
