All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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