Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
