I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
