She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
