trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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