Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
