So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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