having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
