does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
