I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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