I wish I could teleport
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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