Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
