I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
