Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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