is your mom at the bar?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
