I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
