i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
You are the jesus of drinking
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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