I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
