guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
