We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
