my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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