Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He shit in the fireplace
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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