hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
