are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
