Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
why is half of my head shaved?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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