you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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