if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
