went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
