i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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