Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Randomize
