from now on my penis is your penis
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
