K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
