May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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