its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Is it penis luge time yet?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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