i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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