My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
