I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
