I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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