I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
