if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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