Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
