R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
